Tuesday, March 16, 2010

All You Haters Suck my Blogs

Let's start with truthiness: the belief that anything we do on a bike matters is entirely delusional, OK?

Admit to it, you damned cyclotics. Say with me, "I've been an addict for four years now..."

Acknowledge the fakeyness of our fake self-righteousness. Note the concupiscence of our earnest proclamations of hope. Acknowledge the suck of our our sucky little blogs:

Touching myself in RCP, and telling you all about it!;

Guess who's awesome? I'll tell you in 50 Faulknerian sentences!;

I eat shit like you for breakfast;

I am abso-Irish-fucking-lutely fucko-furious and helpless to do anything about it.

Fat, funny;

Fatter, funnier;

Fattest, funniest.

We're a bunch of dull, fat, self-centered, swollen post-artery-nicked cantaloupe sized Ruggballs.

Still, one could do worse. Bad Girls Club, for instance:

In this scene, Tanisha and Jennivicia have a throwdown instigated by Tanisha's insistence that Jennivicia return her "juice," and Jennivicia's perturbation concerning the manner in which Tanisha requests the juice in question. Hair is grabbed, a knot appears on Tanisha's forehead, and Jennivicia declares her superiority.

I imagine that for Tanisha, and for any of the girls in this venerable club, riding a bike eight hours a day would be the apotheosis of torture and boredom. Yet, that's where you and I find our drama.

Who's weirder?

The point, if there is one, is that we--and here, I mean we cyclists--are total losers who live pointless lives, but if you compare our values with those of society as a whole (e.g., Bad Girls Club) we are the Allen Blooms and William Bennets (pre-gambling scandal) of our time.

6 comments:

Chuck Wagon said...

But I'm not Irish. Not even today. Scottish and Germans make much better angry people than the Irish.

Absolutely no bs, my verify word is bible. So you know it's the truth.

Calvini said...

I wish you'd written that in all-caps, Dave. ;)

Chuck Wagon said...

BUT I'M NOT IRISH!!! NOT EVEN TODAY! SCOTTISH AND GERMANS MAKE MUCH BETTER ANGRY PEOPLE THAN THE IRISH!

DAMMIT!

Sam said...

Exactly... these bike-o-blogs are Ruggballs and Brownie Batter,the whole lot of'em.

qualia said...

Really? Bloom and Bennett? A snobbish, neocon godfather and hypocrite (see Ravelstein) and a pompous, instransigent architect of at least three national quagmires (see "wars" on drugs, the middle east, and teen sex). I'd rather read MABRA bloggers, semi‐literate self‐absorbed, and petty as we may be.

Major Nelson said...

I have no idea what you just said.