Wednesday, July 8, 2009

The BAR and Lacto-fascism

There's been some chatter and a GamJams poll on the topic of BAR points and upgrading. Riders want to win the MABRA jersey and the points and free entry into next year's races; they can't do this if they upgrade.

Lord knows my brother and I are cheap enough and vain enough that we'd do anything, including downing seven cups of coffee pre-race (screw you, UCI six-cup limit!), to dominate our categories and spend the following year gloating about it on this blog so that Flamenco Chuckwagon has to regulate and launches a well-deserved cyber-attack on us, NoKo-style.

Yeah, we'd make the most of it. We'd purchase matching bib shorts and have custom paint jobs on our bikes. We'd commission custom shades and shoes. We'd start a milkstrong campaign to raise awareness of lactose intolerance with white wristbands.

We'd hold press conferences:

qualia: First in the back...

breathless reporter: There are those who say your success is a travesty, who accuse you of illicit caffeine consumption and point to your extraordinary results and post-race jimmy legs. What do you say to them?

calvini: Look at those 30 million Americans who suffer daily from lactose intolerance. And look at their spouses and family members who struggle to support them and to eat cheese in front of them. Have you ever had soy milk, sir? Non-dairy creamer?

qualia: Lacto-fascist.

Such a scenario will never go down, since we're both upgrading, we're not in categories where the jerseys are awarded, and, lastly, we do NOT abuse UCI caffeine limits, except in out of competition activities that are frankly none of the UCI's business (i.e., philosophy conferences).

I could see the above scenario carried out by some riders (ruggstrong bracelets, anyone?), but the problem remains: the best riders will upgrade and won't get a chance at the BAR.

So what's the solution?

Give the jersey to the highest point scorer in a one-month period--from April to August. That way, guys like Steven Wohl, who cleaned up early in the season, could upgrade and still have a chance at the jersey.

Another solution is to award the jersey to the team with the most upgrades from that category (e.g., from 3 to 2). It doesn't matter which rider wears the jersey on that team. That way, riders not only have an incentive to upgrade, but they also have an incentive to work with their teammates.

Or, things could stay as they are, and the winner could be two coffee-addled lactose intolerance campaigners. That milky-colored BAR jersey will go well with our milkstrong wristbands.


Tim Rugg said...

I must say - team BAR incentives at the 4 and 3 level sound so much better than individual BAR. Best 4 to 3 development squad. Best 3 to 2 development squad. This would could really create some beautiful team tactics also creating an opportunity for clubs that aren't the size of NCVC and Artemis to create a purpose:

"Mid-twenty riders -> Don't be a cat 4 for life, ride with us... we'll get you there!" DVR unofficial spokesman

Pete said...

I respect the rider who DNF's at NRC races more than the rider who cleans up in the 4's and 3's. Some like to show their successes, others enjoy the struggle.

Corey D said...

I would venture that the advance of chocolate milk as the "ultimate recovery drink" is merely a part of the milkstrong PR industry.

What next, strawberry milk becomes the orphaned "Lemond Bicycles" of the lactose drink world?

Calvini said...

Pete--I agree. Not "better to reign in hell than rule in heaven."

Corey--nicely put. Every had the Hershey's Cookie's 'n Cream flavor, btw? Absolutely amazing, and as much fat as a pint of ice cream.

Ryan Simpson said...

Or maybe even offer a set amount of point for upgrading 20 or 30 points or something. Then you have an incentive to upgrade.

qualia said...

[Inspirational spooky music. Camera switches between scenes of us training at dawn in Rock Creek Park and lactose intolerant people wincing next to discarded milk cartons and gnawed blocks of cheddar.]


Calvini: To all the critics and the doubters and haters out there...

qualia: All we have to say is...

Calvini we're not doing this...

qualia: for them.

Sam said...

When you say "NoKo - style" do you mean this....

or this?

Please Advise.

Calvini said...

I meant this:

qualia said...

The BAR 3 and 4 championship jerseys should be emblazoned with the Milton/Beelzebub quotation to which Calvini alluded.

Here we may reign secure, and in my choyce
To reign is worth ambition though in Hell:
Better to reign in Hell, then serve in Heav'n.

In Paradise Lost, it's just after:

The mind is its own place, and in it self
Can make a Heav'n of Hell, a Hell of Heav'n.

Something I often tell myself when I'm feeling the after effects of a lunchtime yogurt.

Milk proud. Milk strong.

qualia said...

Maybe the lactose thing has been played out. Must win Greenbelt B... gluten free!