Thursday, June 25, 2009

Tour of Washington County: Williamsport Criterium

Marcus Loves Time Trials
Everyone felt bad after the time trial, not only because we were tired, but because our two GC hopes, Martin and Brown, had been relegated to 4th and 5th, despite turning in respectable times. Only Rugg was grinning, maybe because he wore his brown loafers, or maybe becasue he'd turned in a great TT time and had a good shot at winning, or maybe because his taint was feelin' pristine.

The Rugg smiles when the Rugg wants to smile. That's why he's the Rugg.

Dejected and feeling pissy before the crit, we sat around the cafe in Williamsport, drinking coffee and eating PB & Js with pickles, knowing that Pete Warner had the race in the bag, wondering if a podium was possible.

Then Matt spotted a cat in the upstairs window across the street. We spent twenty minutes discussing what the cat was doing, how it survived, and if, perhaps, it was some kind of omen. There were theories put forth that suggested the cat was surviving on the corpses of bodies of riders from last years race, and it was eagerly anticipating fresh meat. Yeah, it was little morbid.

The locals stood on the corners staring at us and wondering what in God's name would possess grown men to wear such disgusting clothes. Some of us weren't even kitted up.

We also discussed the merits of sour frozen yoghurt. The sentiment was put forward that institutions purveying such stuff should be fire bombed. Unless, of course, they were to sponsor us. In which case, not firebombed.

Various theories were expostulated. We wondered if putting helium in tires was UCI legal.

The discussion turned to etymology. Specifically, was Hagerstown originally the exhiled location of all the hags in the MABRA region? Or was Hager some unfortunate last name earned by practicing the hagging trade? And what exactly would hagging entail? Would Aston Kutcher, for example, be considered a hagger? Or was Oprah a better example of it? We struggled.

Since the Viking was not present, we embarked on an etymological discussion of his surname, Austermuhle. Did the first syllable come from the Latin aust (i.e., formal, restrained, as in austere)? Or the Latin aster, meaning flower? Or was it from the Swahili ki-oostiki (i.e., lit. wind-lover)? Or, more likely, the Latin astro (i.e., pertaining to the stars)? And the second syllable, was it from the Germanic muex (i.e. roughage, mueslix)? The Slavic myzzvsvxie (i.e., moose)? Or was the low Bavarian muhle (i.e., mule)?

We were unable to resolve the discussion, lacking access to Google.

Until today. The Austermuhle debate is over. The mystery has been solved. This picture (shown below), discovered by a dedicated Newseum associate, suggests the true nomenclative origins of our Viking.

Oh, right, the race...

But then we were talking about deals and promotions that could raise money for the local racing scene. DQ already has a blizzard named after Brownie:

Some other ideas we could throw DQ's way: the Rugglechunk parfait, the Jawetzer float with Graysonberry spinkles, and the McCadneybury egg sunday.

This doesn't just have to be a Bike Rack thing. I'm intrigued by the Rude Siggy SigBacone:

If Bert's Jewish, of course, we could use turkey bacon and non-dairy gravy for the filling.

We could also promote the Deep Fried Flamenco Chuckwagon on a Stick Burger:

But I was talking about the race.

Maybe a Ramon Benitez-berry Crunch? Chuck pop-Hutch-tart?

Just brainstorming...waiting for the race...watching the cat in the window...


Sigberto said...


And umm, a Puerto Rican jew? Yeah right!

Calvini said...

Hey, you never know! I taught at a yeshiva for a while and had a few South and Central American students.