Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Secrets of Time Trialling REVEALED!!!!

Many of you are preparing for the ITT at Washington County. I've compiled some advice for you that, if you follow, will surely guide you to a result:

(1) Remove excess weight from your bike. Removing excess weight from spinning parts is especially important. A good thing to do is shave off the excess rubber on your tires. Give those tires a good going over with a wood rasp or some sandpaper. Shave till you barely begin to see thread. No further! You don't want to get a flat! Ha ha!

(2) Cover your body in Turtle Wax. Waxing your car can raise gas mileage 7%! Imagine how much faster you'll be, in addition to being shinier! And, you won't sweat! Your girlfriend will be able to hug you at the finish line and won't say, "icky."

(3) Glue this narwhal on the front of your rig. It'll put you in the right frame of mind. I specifically recommend the red horn spearing the koala bear.

(4) Stay hydrated and get plenty of pre-race protein. The best way to do this is by drinking at least 1 gallon of milk immediately before your race. You'll endear yourself to the dairy farming locals.

(5) Staying cool is important. If you're like me and you have hot feet, the only thing that helps is wearing something like this:
Make a homemade cooling vest like this one:

(6) Sperm helmets can save 5% of your watts. You'll wanna rock this baby on Saturday:

(7) Avoid heavy breathing. Breathing out heavily actually pushes you back slightly.

(8) Drop your saddle down as low as it can possibly go. This will lower your body's position and decrease your aerodynamic drag.

I'll see you out there!


Corey D said...

Does PerformanceBike have Narwhal's in stock?

Bailey said...

That vest, while fashionable, may not be up to UCI standards. I thought you'd want to hear it here first.

And what? No mention of aerobars?

Kyle Jones said...

I actually laughed at some of these.

Calvini said...

That's good, Kyle, cause your bitching regularly cracks me up.