Assessing your mental health: a late season quiz

The end of the race season is approaching, which means it's time to assess your season and your health. You may want to take at a look at your power output, your race goals, your waist size, or other physical indicators of how fruitful your season has been.

Take this time also to assess your mental fruitiness. How nutty have you gotten this season?

To help you accurately assess your mental state, we here at bikerackheads, with the help of leading velotherapists, bikenotists, and sprocketologists, present a scientifically advanced self-examination.

Are you a cyclotic?

Directions: Answer the following questions. Use the scoring chart at the bottom to tally your results. As easy as riding a bike.

1. Cycling has ruined at least two of my romantic relationships.

a. yes
b. no

2. I have ridden when my taint is a bloody mess.

a. yes
b. no

3. Bicycles, or any parts thereof, have appeared in my sex dreams.

a. yes
b. no

4. Which of the following is the most I would sacrifice to win the BAR?
a. several hours a week
b. my favorite snacks
c. time with my family
d. take my soul, Lord Satan

5. Taxi drivers...
a. are just trying to make some money
b. can be rude fellows
c. should be prosecuted to the full extent of the law
d. take their souls, Lord Satan

6. Yellow...
a. the color of daffodils
b. curry powder
c. the maillot jaune
d. the color of the EPO I inject into my veins

7. I want my children to...
a. be happy
b. contribute to society
c. take care of me when I get old
d. learn how to do a proper victory salute

8. This is a picture of...

a. three decent men and one crass fellow grabbing his junk
b. four bike riders
c. four Bike Rack guys, one wearing the Greenbelt leader's jersey
d. the four horsemen of doom

9. When I die, I will wish I had...
a. spent more time with my family
b. nothing at all! I will be content
c. followed my dreams.
d. beaten Ruggles on Tuesday hills just once

10. This guy is...

a. suffering from elaphantitis
b. my! could you introduce me to him...
c. excited
d. suffering from enlarged taint...HTFU!

Scoring:

If you felt inclined to take this test, you're exhibiting signs of cyclotic behavior.

If you answered questions 1-3 affirmatively, or answered "d" to any of the following questions, get off your trainer immediately and do the following:
(1) get out of your bib shorts
(2) take a shower
(3) apply D-Z Nuts to your taint immediately
(4) wait two weeks
(5) put your name in an online dating service

Or you can just roll with it.