Thursday, September 15, 2016

Foods to Carry: Uncle Pappy's Guide to On-Bike Eating and Drinking

Foods to carry for long rides:
1. Gravy: yes, gravy. Loads of calories, plenty of the right kind of fat. Also, metaphoric punch, as in, having eaten everything you got on you and in your bike's food locker (see Diamondback AeroPantry, below), you can say, "and now for gravy" and reach into the Lazy Susan down in the bottom bracket area and pull out a Ziploc of gravy and poke a hole in it and shotgun that sumbich while riding no hands and then attack while wiping the glistening grease from your maw.

2. Ham. Nothing like a country ham. Go salted rather than honey or that other kind of crap. Electrolytes up the wazoo. I recommend Colonel Bill's. Bring the whole thing to a goon ride. It'll get eaten. It'll also show everyone your folksy and traditional side. Oh, him! They'll say. He's not like those jerk high-tech guys with their powders and bars and maltodextrin. He brought a country ham to the gooner! A real man of the people.

3. Beet suppository. Get that bile flowing. Research it. Coat it in oil for easy insertion. Get ready to piss Merlot and crap wattz and probably some blood;

4. Salt lick. Got to get those electrolytes.

5. Cheese Whiz. Inspired by real cheese, but without any texture to be found in nature. That is, super-nature-ral. Made of real whiz, no cheese and fourteen dozen other things.

6. Sushi. Super healthy. You can get the expired stuff at your local grocery store for super cheap. Loaded with ginger to help digestion. Lots of wasabi. Keep it in the AeroPantry's fridge. You know, the Japanese are so advanced. So advanced. I love them.

7. Vodka. The AeroFridge's liquor cabinet has a nice little space for your Tito's.

8. A Felonies! snack. Or, if you don't have an AeroFridge, the Misdemeanor bite-sized version.

9. Whatever I am selling and making promises about. It is an incredible product that will increase your whatever it is you want it to increase and decrease whatever it is you want decreased. It will definitely do it. Whatever my competitors are selling will not do this. It will do these wonderful things for you and NOT your competitors. If it did help your competitors, then that would mean no comparative advantage for you. You wouldn't want the rising water to raise all boats would you? That would mean you'd keep losing by the same depressing amounts. What I'm selling and what you want is something that benefits you alone, and that is exactly what I am selling delivers.

10. Nothing. Carry nothing. Rely on the generosity of strangers who happen to have food on them. Like, say, a country ham.

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