Wednesday, December 9, 2015

MABRA Flame Wars: A Guide for Middle Aged Men

The sun is up, the skies are blue, I've just pumped up my tires and there's no bills to pay. What a great day for a ride!

I think, instead, I'm going to start a flame war on the MABRA board.

For three weeks now, I've been making deals with the wife to allow me a free morning, and, look!, I've brewed a fresh pot of java. Look at the steam! I've topped that off with a hearty bowl of oatmeal, eat leisurely while I watch the birds chatter gaily in anticipation of what the weatherman just called "the most perfect day for enjoying Mother Nature in the history of the universe."

Ah, here's the computer, and let me start brainstorming ideas for how to irritate people enough that they'll be so angry, they'll abandon their ride plans as well, just to put in words how much they hate me.

Down at the coffee shop my whole team is waiting. They're making hilarious jokes and exchanging fist bumps and hyucking it up in a good natured way that makes everyone feel like they're a part of something greater than themselves, that--it's not too much to say--we're not alone in this cold, hard universe (and December).

I won't be joining them, I don't think. Time to sit alone and do something that will make me hate myself even more than whacking off to Chinese donkey porn. I'm going to write something to a bunch of men similarly not taking advantage of God's bounteous blessings.

Let me consult the rules of flame wars. I seem to recall a lot of flame wars being flamed about these rules a while ago.

First, you reference patterns from recent discussions and jokes from other flame wars. This is a strategic move to pull in the in-jokers from those flame wars.

 Just a moment. Let me shut the blinds. It's so god-awful bright outside I can't see what I'm typing.

Second, you use one of these # followed by words mashed together likethis. That's because part of setting up a flame war involves setting up mini hashtag phrases. These hashtag things are super cool. They really are. The longer the hashtag phrase, the fewer spaces are in it, the more difficult it is to figure out where one word ends and the other begins, the better. It'll just piss people off more.

Agh. I have to pee like a racehorse, having hydrated myself and then finished that coffee. God, what a glorious day. I'm seeing a swan over there on the river, which is incredibly clear. I flush the toilet and had back to the laptop.

A successful flame war can't all take place in one cyber location. That would be too not frustrating and not passive aggressive. You must also engage a multi-leveled social media attacks, using the basic principles of asymmetrical warfare. While the initial post goes up, you start chirping on twitter, posting # related pics on Instagram, and sending a flurry of #cyexts.

Finally, you sit back and monitor everything. Just sit there, not riding a bike and letting the warm air caress you as you power yourself with your beloved comrades through quiet country bucolic scenes, soul and body merged as one with nature, with fellow man, and with the Creator.

No, that's not how to wage a flame war on the MABRA board. You have to stay there all day. Just sit inside and monitor everything and wage the symmetrical war.

Grow older.

Stop riding the bike.

Eventually, you just have a blog and lob a sarcastic, bitter entry in it every several months.

That's how you do it.

70 degrees tomorrow you say? And December! Wow. Time to grease up the laptop.


Anonymous said...

Well, that was pointless.

Anonymous said...

I went to the mabra website to look for your controversial posts and couldn't even find a forum where cyclists can post opinions.
This isn't even like team robot.