Wednesday, September 9, 2015

Our Long International Nightmare Is Over, a column by Brian Cookson

Brian Cookson
Guest column by UCI President, Brian Cookson

For several years now we have endured a sport mostly cleansed of doping. Responsible are the biological passport and a new ethos, led by riders and for riders, of clean racing. And, as viewers have noted, bike racing in this clean era has totally sucked.

Fans now watch a tedious, slow-moving herd of riders mostly separated by fractions of sections barely pushing the limits of human possibility. It used to be that we watched riders doing far more than was humanly possible, performances that were, literally, 0 out of 6 billion. Now we just have to settle for a performance that is 1 out of 6 billion.

Watching Lance and Jan ride was like watching angels! They flew up mountains in a supernatural way. It was like they'd got the Holy Ghost. And they were muscular guys, not too different from us. If only we got in touch with the Holy Ghost (or at least Trek, Nike, Oakley, and Livestrong) we too could possibly ascend a mountain with a supernatural suppository in our anus!

Now we watch people who look like corpses, looking not at all filled with God-like inspiration, waiting around till everyone cracks more miserably than they crack. 

So many drugs! So much awesome! When I think back to the era before the EPO test, I think about watching dudes who would either die in their sleep or win bike races. The insanely supernatural bike racing was awesome, but the dying in the sleep sucked! We felt guilty. There was this dilemma which has not yet been solved.

Can we have sublime, holy ghost style bike racing AND avoid hearing about riders' health issues (i.e., acne, impotence, male lactation, hairy buttocks, excessive salivation, scaly skin, diarrhea, exploding heart syndrome, enlarged sacrum, stankhole seepage, oily male vagina-itis, etc.)?

My friends, our long international nightmare is over. Today I announce a new policy that will get bike racing back to where it belongs. Get ready for some Holy Ghost-inspired bike racing! 

I call my policy Race your race, brah.

Race your race, brah is a policy that has two parts. The first part is that we just stop already with the drug stuff. OK? Stop talking, writing, and thinking about drugs. More importantly, we just stop testing riders. Stop the intimidation and harassment of the riders. Let's stop the war on drugs! If a rider seems to be putting in a performance of supernatural scale, let's just assume divine intervention--it's just way cooler and more exciting than what we've been assuming. OK? The UCI shouldn't be in the nanny state business. What people, including riders, do in the privacy of their home is their business. We're done with that. We've moved on.

Part two of Race your race, brah is that we start racing fast. I believe this will happen if we trust in the power of a freed market. Bike racing is a market, just like any other market--even the markets of entire nations. China started freeing its markets from intervention a decade ago, and its economy has been racing ahead (heh heh) ever since! We all know that European countries suck because they interfere in the markets, and the UCI has sucked as well, because the UCI has taken a European-style socialist, meddling approach to bike racing. 

Well, today it stops. I, Brian Cookson, am here to bring freedom to bike racing. No more red tape of drug testing and getting rid of these meddlesome bureaucrats. Get ready to watch some dudes launch like goddamned rockets, inspired by, not drugs (remember, we're not talking about that stuff) but Milton Friedman and Ayn Rand!  

Atlas shrugged...and then got on his bicycle and dropped everyone's ass, because he was truly free. Race your race, brah...race it! 

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