Thursday, November 6, 2014

MABRA's Chief Referee Delivers Rough Draft of His Spiel for first Race of 2015

Welcome to the opening race of the MABRA calendar.  I'm the chief referee and my job is to keep you safe.

The yellow line rule will be in effect for this race.  You see my rig over there?  BMW 1600 GTL with bitch seats and holsters for my shotguns.  I've loaded all four barrels of my two over/under sawed off 10 guagers with crystallized Skratch labs powder, and I am not afraid to administer forced hydration by way of shotgun.

You think you're hot shit because you can ride with no hands and remove and stow your little windvest in your rear pocket?  You're not.

I can steer that beast over there with one testicle with my eyes closed while passing a kidney stone and singing Nessun Dorma and blasting away with all four barrels.

You don't stand a chance.

So stay off the yellow line.

I'll fire a warning shot into your crotch.

Second offense will go through your Oakley Thumps directly into your face.

So stay away from the yellow line.  For your safety.

Free laps.  Some of you have asked about whether you'll be given a free lap if your shitty equipment fails you.

This is a crit, so I suppose I'm obligated to let you take a free lap except for the last five laps.

I will be requiring repayment, however.  After the race you'll need to strip down, remove your chamois and use it to wash my motorcycle and buff my leather assless chaps till I can see my gold teeth shining back at me.

That'll teach you to get a flat tire.  Gatorskins!  Gatorskins!  Gatorskins!

If you crash, I'll shoot you in the face.  If that doesn't kill you I'll run you over and toss your carcass into the feed zone where you'll be dismembered, roasted, and cut into bite-sized portions and handed out in the feed bags.

This is how we honor the fallen when I run a race.

So don't crash.

If I see any handslings or monkey business or shades inside of helmet straps or urination, I'll run you over with my Beemer, back up so that my rear wheel rests on your face, hold the front brake and the throttle simultaneously so my rear wheel turns your face into a mess of burnt out flesh and rubber.

So don't engage in any other monkey business or try to pee.

This is all for your safety, OK?  That's my job.  Keeping you safe.

Ready?  Officials?  Where's my bourbon?  In my cupholder?

Excellent.  Have a good race!

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