Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Should We Allow Cameras in Bike Races?

In response to the recent conversation on our local cycling group's discussion board, I called my attorney, Jure D. Peers, Esq., and asked him a few questions about the legality of cameras and various other devices in the bedroom, er, bike races.  Bike races! Of course!
Hon. Jure D. Peers, Esq.
Q1.  Should we allow the use of video capture of bike races?
A1. No!  It is both a violation of our privacy and might reveal to the world just how shitty our bike handling is. Conversely, this ban does not hold in the case that a video happens to catch us winning or doing something awesome, like nearly going down in a corner and saving it as the entire peleton behind us crashes and explodes in awesome gore and middle aged man anguish.

Q2.  Does this extend to bystanders' use of video?
A2. Yes!  No visual evidence must be allowed.  Except when it makes me look fat.

Q3. What about pictures?
A3.  See A1; i.e., no, unless self-glorifying, thinning, large package, etc.

Q4. What about paintings?  Can we allow artists to paint us while we race?
Q4.  Partially A1, but also more restrictive stylistically.  I mean, we can't just have Thomas Kincade out there making bike races looking like Aunt Beaulah's wet dream!
Unacceptable: The Style of Thomas Kincade
Q5. In that case, do we allow the practice of painting through the mounting of an easel on a bike within the peleton?
A5. We in MABRA are against censorship of art of any kind, so we must allow, although we encourage the wearing of team-issue smocks for the purpose of compliance with the requirement for identifying apparel.

Q6. What about guns?  Do we allow guns at races?
A6.  Yes!  This is guaranteed in the Constitution!  As long as we are Americans, we allow guns everywhere.
Q7. What about guns carried on bikes, say, in jersey pockets or on mounted turrets?
A7. Of course!  Constitutionally guaranteed!   Guns may not, however, be discharged strategically or in celebration, except in the case of shooting those who pedal strike and nearly take you down.  Those guys are assholes.  Flexing one's guns is also allowable, but only one-armed.  A two-armed gun show is just too dangerous.

Q8. Boobs?  Do we allow boobs to be shown during bike races?
A8. No!  Boobs are indecent and would corrupt the juniors!  Only in races limited to Masters can the field reveal full bosoms.  After all, merely plopping boobs out is rated R in films!  How much more indecent is it to show them in real life!

Q9. What about boobs getting chopped off with, say, a machete?
A9. Yes.  The American Motion Picture Association has ruled boobs getting chopped off with a severing blade or sharp object to be an acceptable PG-13 scene.

Q10.  What about bike racing?  Can we race bikes at a bike race?
A10.  That's pushing it.

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