Thursday, June 19, 2014

Believies about Bike Racing

I have a lot of beliefs and I live by none of 'em. That's just the way I am. They're just my beliefs. I just like believing them. I like that part. They're my little "believies." They make me feel good about who I am. 
--Louis CK

1.  Diving corners is both Cat 5 and pro behavior.  It's only appropriate for a paid professional or a total beginner.  Everyone else who does it is just a douche.

2.  You should never go full aero.  What you're saying when you do is just, "my legs are weak, I have no shame and no sense of fiscal responsibility.  Screw the African village I could have fed and clothed for a year." 

The only person who can go full aero is Graeme Obree.  Graeme Obree can gut a donkey and ride in its corpse, claiming aerodynamic savings, and he'd still be impeccable.
Graeme Averaging 54kph on Craigslist Special
3. Meat makes you faster. Vegans are gassy, morally superior, and probably will live longer.  But they're just slow.  Or, at least, slower than they could be if they ate meat.

4. For dopers, winning feels like eating a Big Mac--it's what they ordered and it's filling, but it doesn't taste that good.

5. TT specialists have iron taints.  And that's why I'm slow - I have a tender, gentle taint.  Has nothing to do with my piss poor FTP.  

6. Attacking is always good when I do it.  It's usually stupid and a waste of energy when other people do it.

7.  Fred is an attitude, not a helmet mirror.  It could be a headlamp, though, if it is especially bright.

8.  Fast is fine.  Fast and frugal is better.  Fast, fat and frugal is the best.  That's how I judge goons: if he's fat, on a old CAAD 9, and pegging 29mph, classy goon.

9.  Powercranks: both a scam for suckers and the tits.  Both.

10. Marianne Vos is the most desirable woman on Earth.  I'm with #likeavos on this one.  I could gaze admiringly and respectfully at her power meter all day.

11. Novice bike racing is dangerous.  Novice bike racing without brakes is more dangerous than a tour in Afghanistan.

12.  Riding a bike is near genital-level fun.  You really don't need any carnal pleasures after you carnal pleasured yourself along babbling brooks and through green valleys and climbed Smokehole, or moseyed along the flowered Jane Addams trail:

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