Friday, April 4, 2014

Local Race Promoter Discriminates Against Group, Reaps Whirlwind (by special guest columnist, Hank Panky)

Hank Panky
I'm outraged.


Discrimination is a terrible thing.  The current age, in which even a Kenyan can be president, and we can all hate him for purely political and not at all racist reasons, can lead one to believe that we have finally become a post-discrimination nation.

But what has recently happened in MABRA makes it clear that we have not moved beyond discrimination.  We still prohibit some groups from expressing themselves on a level playing field, by not allowing them to race against others exactly like themselves.

To be specific....a prominent local race promoter recently announced his event, and while his event includes exactly 14 categories for middle aged men, it does not include a category for middle aged men with the following conditions:
  • slight male pattern baldness, 
  • VO2max < 65
  • one child under the age of 6 months, 
  • diagnosed with horny toe syndrome (certified medical practitioner note required); and
  • extraordinarily honkin' johnson (UCI commissar inspection may occur). 

This huge donged (and the other stuff) category has long been a staple of local racing, allowing those of us with huge junk (and the other stuff, of course) to compete on a level playing field.  Cutting this category from the competition sends a message to children who may someday have huge junk (and the other stuff): you are not special.  Your special purpose is no more special than others'.

Think of the children.  Discrimination against childrens' special purposes is the worst kind of discrimination.

I'm livid just thinking about it, because in addition to being anti-discriminatory, and to racing in the middle-aged man with a massive spelunker category, I also care about children.

But there's more.

I also fear for our sport.  Research suggests our bike racing is growing in other categories, but if we do not encourage this vital category (dream-like willies, etc.) by allowing this minority group to compete against each other against others who are also handicapped with 10-20 pound reproductive tackle, we might as well tell them to hang up their bikes.

Bike racing is about community and diversity, including categories for as many people as possible--particularly middle aged otherwise hopeless males--so they can neglect their families and obsess about meaningless stuff so they don't have to face the abyss of existential nothingness we all know lurks behind the metaphysical veil.  That's bike racing.  

All middle aged white men, of every penis size, follicular fecundity, toe horniness, and procreational type should be given the ability to compete against others of his exact and precise category--a category so narrow that even the most pathetic of us has a chance at getting a result.

Now, I know what some are saying:  why not just join the 11th category for the slight male bald patterned, huge penised, one child under the age of 6 months, horny toed, VO2max over 70 ml/kg/min males aged 40-42?

Jerks.  That's what they told John Lewis and Dr. King.  That's what they told Rosa Parks: go sit in the back of the bus.

Not me. I'm going to stand up for my rights.  I'm not going to sit in the back of the proverbial race (pun...heh heh) bus.  I'm going to join the bike race category that should be there for me, a middle aged man with a mind-blowing apparatus (and all the other stuff).

What's that you say?  There is no women's category in the race?  No more young nubile hardbodied girls to watch while on the trainer?  No more amazing athletes who often go on to the big show?  No more audiences to gawk at those of us with bib snakes?

Hm...we need to do something about that.  But not until I, Hank, am allowed to race in the category where we are not judged by the color of our skin, but the size of our junk (and all the other stuff, of course).

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