Friday, February 28, 2014

Dem Tortillas: Welcome to the District of Tacolumbia!

Welcome District Taco Racing p/b Bicycle Place to the local peleton.  I've visited and enjoyed eating at several of your fine locations, and I've seen more pictures of people eating your food than I'd prefer, and my response is always jealousy.  Your tortillas are exceptional.  They really are.  And your fresh salsas, displayed attractively and conveniently, are delicious.

 But we were talking bike racing.  Damnit.  Paps has some serious concerns about your squad and its ethos.

1.  Shady associations
Here is a picture of Tim Rugg modelling the kit on his torso. Although Rugg is not a team member, he is somehow a beneficiary of taco largesse.

Rugg's exact connection with the eatery is more than patronage; his possession of the kit, his strange pictures of association with District Taco powerbrokers, the smell of refried beans that drifts from his attire--all of it suggest something is afoot.

There's also DJ's mysterious connection with the squad.  There was a period last year where my entire Facebook feed was simply DJ eating tacos at District Taco.  Then there was his European trip which continued the taco theme (see below). 

I actually won a T-shirt (as yet undelivered) for identifying his location in the above photo (Dawg Days office park is the correct answer).

Rugg's and DJ's nefarious connection with DT is concerning, but even more concerning is DT's connection with such men of ill repute as Rugg and DJ. What upstanding taqueria would find companionship with such rascals?

2.  Non-chub

Then there's the squad, announced recently on the MABRA board. Here's a picture of the squad ripped from its Facebook page:

There is a fundamental point of confusion with this team and its shady associations; namely, none of these people are fat.

That's right, take a look again.  Despite endless taco pounding and gleefully posting pictures on the web, no fatties?

I promise I will get to the bottom of this.  My research will consist of devouring tacos every day for the next six months.  

3.  NHL Announces New Expansion Team, the Washington Capitacoals
You can't just replace a word with "taco" and think you've come up with an original thing.  Consider:

  • District Taco Racing p/b Bicycle Place
  • District Velocity Racing p/b Bicycle Pro Shop

I mean, imagine if you wanted to do it with a pro tour team:
  • Omega Pharma Taco 
  • Orica Taco Edge
  • BMtaCo
  • Team Sktyaco
  • Garmin Sharp Taco
This is not only wrong, it is also confusing, especially if you happen to taco a wheel.

4.  Maillot yellar
There is the right kind of yellow and the wrong kind of yellow.  Next year, you can use the right kind of yellow.  Or maybe even this year if you use a lot of bleach.

Believe me, in my own team's first year of racing, we, District Velocity Racing(notice, !) got it wrong as well.  
We wore that shade of cadaverous blue along with skin-tone accents and tribal tattoo designs.  At the time we called ourselves "The Bike Rack," but quickly earned the label "The Bike Wreck."  We were definitely black, blue and ugly all over.

Don't worry, I haven't even seen your kits in person and I can assure you that you're just as ugly as we were.

Still, we learned, and you can too.  You can change both your name and your yellow.  That's the beauty of sticking around for a while.

Of course, we hope you do.  Stick around, that is.  The local sport always benefits from fresh blood, from new teams and new motivation.  We need you and we appreciate you.  Especially your bright yellow kits.  You are the best thing to happen to MABRA since Chuck Hutch coined the phrase, "Fuck that guy," referring to every living person.

Also, any chance you can hook Paps up with tacos?  Never mind.  I'll get super fat.

1 comment:

Mik Van Avaermeet said...

Maybe you should tell these guys that they used the wrong shade of yellow as well: