Thursday, October 31, 2013

Rugg Admits to Blaming it on the Dog

Facing accusations that have resurfaced almost a decade after the fact, and in a fog of foul suspicion, well-known bean eater Timothy Rugg finally admitted perpetrating a poot.  His accuser, former fellow bean eater Michael Rasmellyson, claimed in a soon-to-be-released book that, back in 2003 while living in Rasmellyson's basement, he taught Rugg how to let loose stinkers and avoid detection by blaming the pernicious odors on the dog.
Rugg Preparing a Press Release (pic: Joe Foley)

"After I showed him how to blame it on the dog, Rugg went on to achieve success thereafter, releasing flatulence freely and always avoiding detection through the methods I had taught him," an excerpt from Rasmellyson's book explains.

Rugg issued a press, er, release, to the media confessing guilt:
"Bean eating is my life and has been ever since I can remember.  I have loved and lived this bean eating but more than a decade ago, I lacked the ability to control myself, (I mean, who can control themselves after eating lots of beans!)," Rugg said, "And even though those mistakes happened more than 10 years ago, and they were short-lived, it does not change the fact that I made them and I have lived with that and been sorry for it ever since.
To everyone in my life, inside and outside the blast zones - to those that have joined me for dinner or just hung out with me and blamed it on the dog -including my friends, my family, the media, fans, my peers, sponsors - to those who held theirs in all those years ago, I sincerely apologize for my part in our sport's--I like to think of bean eating as a sport--dark past.  I especially apologize to the dogs I have falsely accused.  I will always be sorry."
Rugg went on to explain that his deceit was only a brief experiment, and that for the past eight years he has lived cleanly and not blamed it on the dog, not even once.  "Bean eating may always suffer from a flatulence problem, but the least we can do is to fess up when tooting.  I was and am deeply grateful to the cooks and bean community who allow us bean eaters to enjoy legumes in a clean and healthy way, and with well ventilated and sufficiently clear exit signs free of obstructions and tripping hazards.  I know many up and coming young eaters of beans, and I owe it to them to help this pastime move beyond flatulence and become the clean sport it can be.  I say today, "That was me.  I did it." 

Rugg then grinned and asked if anyone wanted to pull his finger.

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