Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Sherlock Holmes and the Curious Case of the Boy Racer Bladder Bomb

Investigatory Notes, Insp. Hon. Holmes, Sherlock

The mystery of the Time Trial Trickle.

No witnesses.  Victim unhelpful, mentally agitated.

Evidence: smell of urine on Cavendish's skin and garments upon finish of Stage 11 of the Tour de France.  "Maybe you have to smell his jersey to believe," stated one nosewitness journalist.

Proximate causes:

    1. Vessel tossed: bottle, glass, water [urine] balloon, super [urine] soaker liquid weapon device; or
    2. Direct (ex urethral): 

  • Location limited, by nature of high speeds of Cavendish, to steep inclines in which velocity of rider allowed significant soaking.

  • Gender and anatomical considerations
        • Females: limited to those placed above route (i.e., on bridges, parapets, in aerial craft, etc.) [unlikely] or freakishly gifted [extremely unlikely].
        • Males: likely limited to those within radial limitations of average human male (est. 6 ft.?)
    Note: possibility of multiple simultaneous R Kelly dream scenarios?

    Ultimate causes:
    1. Retaliation from fans of Argos-Shimano's Tom Veelers, taken down by Cavendish in prior day's sprint finish.
    2. Human depravity.
    3. Poor potty training.
    4. Failure/blowout/gusher of adult diapers of bystanders.
    Peeing on cyclists passing at 30mph or more is difficult; and doing so is unlikely to result in significant dousing--of the kind Cavendish suffered.  

    That leaves two possibilities: 
    (1) Several bystanders gathered urine--estimated 1-3 liters--in a vessel and tossed it at Cavendish.
    (2) Cavendish wet himself and blamed it on fans, just as he blamed the prior stage's accident on Veelers rather than accepting responsibility himself.

    Given Cavendish's character and the nature of the TT, described by some as "shit the bed" hard, loss of control of the bladder is a distinct possibility.

    Further investigation warranted. 


    Steven said...

    Not that anyone deserves to have 'the yellow stuff' thrown on them, but based on actions alone, Cav was asking for it the most (since Danilo di Luca doesn't count, right?)

    Anonymous said...

    This is right up your alley if you haven't seen it already...