Thursday, July 25, 2013

New UCI Drug Testing: Coming to a Port-a-Pottie Near You

In the wake of the French Senate's release of a report that implicates nearly everyone who had not yet been found guilty of EPO use in the late 1990s, the UCI yesterday announced a new anti-doping weapon.  "We've been limited by the tools of detection," said UCI President Pat McQuaid, "but we've also been limited financially.  We simply can't afford to collect, store, and properly track and test everyone's bodily fluids."  McQuaid cited logistics as the main problem with the current program:
"I mean, if you get 5,000 professionals peeing in 5,000 cups and gushing blood in 5,000 bags, and you test each athlete 4 times a year, that's, what? Well, let's see here...somewhere around 47 billion little vials of fluid we've got to track and store.  Such a program would deplete the Earth of glass and plastic in little more than 5 years, and the piss and blood and semen could fill a warehouse the size of New Jersey in just two years.  Then you have the problem that New Jersey is basically piss and blood and semen already.  Just a joke, haha."
When challenged, McQuaid withdrew his remarks about semen.

McQuaid then laid out the UCI's vision for the future of testing.  "Deterrence.  That's what it comes down to.  Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the future!"  Turning to the official UCI feltboard and nodding to his lackey, McQuaid unveiled a graphic of an entire peleton peeing into a single pot--a graphic considered by the editors of this fine publication too graphic to include.

McQuaid shouted to raucous applause and piped in trumpet blasts:


The new testing protocol involves large plastic "port-o-potties" that will be driven to select bike races around the world.  Before, after, and possibly during races, riders will be encouraged to use these devices; and afterwards the collected materials will be screened for all illegal substances.

"The beauty of this program, " McQuaid continued, "is that it uses available resources to get the job done. It doesn't inconvenience riders or race organizers.  And we get the added bonus of collecting the faecal material of the riders.  We can use it to fertilize our marigolds at the UCI headquarters."

When questioned about how McQuaid and the UCI would be able to determine which individuals had contributed tainted urine to the collective, McQuaid answered, "If we find EPO in one of our shitters, we disqualify the entire field.  That's how it works in the Army, and that's good enough for bike racing.  This way, you get added pressure from peers--hey, don't use drugs or you'll get us all DQ-ed.  Band of brothers type of thing."

In this new collective drug testing initiative the UCI is partnering with Port-O-Let, LLC, ("You're s*** is our bread and butter") but is currently having trouble contracting drug testing technicians.

Locally, MABRA officials have already set aside $6,000 to bring the testing program to the region.  "Personally," said one anonymous MABRA official, "I'm curious to know what the hell people are putting in their systems these days.  Have you been in one of those things before a race?  Just don't look down.  Don't look down.  That's what we hope to pay the UCI to do."

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