Thursday, July 18, 2013

Imagined Conspiracist Dialogue on the Way to Greenbelt

Car 1: It's 5:15 and 98 degrees.  The cyclists will be here soon.  Time to remove our catalytic converters and rev engines.

Cars [all together]:  Done.  Exhaust spewing.  Wavy lines above road visible.

Rhode Island Avenue: And I'm expelling all the heat I absorbed during the course of this blazing hot day...now.  Ah, that's juicy sweet.  

Dump truck: Sure is.  Love your tar smell.  Can you smell me?

Rhode Island: Oh yeah.  All the way.  Make sure you rev the engine and agitate yourself so the smell gets spread around real good.

Popeye's Chicken: Got my friers roiling.  Smell that burning fat?

All: YES!

Creek along bike trail: Dead fish?

All: YES!

Dead deer: How about me?  

All [together]: YES!  YOU'RE PUTRID.

Living deer:  I dedicate today's darting dangerously in front of cyclists to your memory!  Oh, may sweet maiming or death at the hand of these pathetic, skinny cyclists take me!  May I reek with half the reek of you, Dead Deer!

Driver 1: Commencing horn honking.

Driver 2: Commencing aggressive horn honking in response.

Driver 3: They're coming.  Swerving dangerously.

Bus: Steering into them as well.  Commence pincer movement.

Crackhead driver: Blowing red light while sucking pipe.  

Side mirror 1: Commencing sticking way out.  Perfect posture.

Side mirror 2: Also sticking out. 

Nails on road: Ready for puncture!

Glass on road:  Reporting for puncture duty as well!  Nice, juicy, yielding rubber nearing, fellas.

Child readying to cross bike path:  Death to the Greenbelt-bound!

Inattentive mother:  Thank goodness for vodka.

Bird 1:  Preparing poop.  Ready for sphincter relaxation.

Bird 2: Hold on, Jimmy.  Don't fire till you see the whites of their eyes.

Rhode Island:  They made it.  Damnit.  Everyone take a moment and think--what more could you have done?  Hit 'em with that on the way back.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

You forgot sudden downpour -- sting body, limit visibility, reduce traction -- and lightning -- fry with electrical current. Ah, sweet memories!

Congrats on another podium at Lost River btw.