Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Dopers Finished, Sucking Remains

Bike race and doping have existed together for over a century, one always accompanying the other, from U.S. Postal to Puerto to Festina to Oil for Drugs, the PDM Affair, the systemmatic blood doping of the 1984 Olympics, Tom Simpson's death, the Wiel's-Groene Leeuw affair, to Choppy Warburton.

Today, that cycle has been broken, thanks to Billy Twerski's brave purchase of a pair of "Dopers Suck" socks.  Twerski, a Category 4 self-described "rouleur" and "all-rounder," wore the socks at a recent criterium race.  "I bought the socks because I don't like doping.  Apparently, my small gesture was the straw that broke the camel's back--the camel of doping, that is."  

USADA agents, on the scene to gather urine from the racers, confirmed that, indeed, doping is no more, thanks to Twerski.  "Twerski was by no means the only guy to buy "Dopers Suck" socks, but he was certainly the most important," said USADA head Travis Trygart.  

Trygart went on to laud the founder of Dopers Suck, Rick Buttercream, for building a culture of intolerance and intimidation toward substance abusers in the local peleton:  "We can't do it on our own.  We need folks--intimidating, angry, outspoken folks--at the local, grassroots level to terrify and harass shady characters.  A sort of vigilante movement of clean riding, if you will.  And Mr. Buttercream has sent the right message of hate."    

Mr. Buttercream, shown with an uneasy Michael Rasmussen
"We're happy to have won the war on doping through our socks," said Mr. Buttercream, "but the downside of this is a dramatic fall-off in our merchandise.  Who wants to buy Dopers Suck socks anymore?"

Journalists voiced a similar worry.  "There are a lot of bike races to cover, but that only goes so far," said one industry veteran.  "As it is, we fill the blank periods in the calendar--particularly the period leading up to the Tour--with stories about doping.  Now what are we going to do?"

Back at the local level, cyclists like Twerski can no longer blame their losses on doped up competitors.  After a recent race, in which he was dropped, Twerski removed his socks and watched the faster, better, more genetically gifted riders with disgust. 

"Are you sure no one is doping anymore?" he asked.  "These guys are superhuman."  

USADA officials assure us that, indeed, doping is gone.  "Look," Trygart replied, "the power of these socks...we're quite confident that no one will ever want to dope ever again.  DOPERS SUCK!...phew, that's harsh, man!  Sucking is awful."  

 "I guess I don't have any more excuses," lamented hero and mediocre athlete Twerski.  "I guess I just suck."  

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