Thursday, January 31, 2013

A New Coms Strategy for the UCI and Lance

Generalissimo Oscar Felipe Juan Froilán de Todos los Santos y Cacahuates
Many of our tax dollars go to the military, and a good portion of these dollars come back at us in the form of what we in the military call "communications."   Every government agency, in fact, devotes a portion of its money--your tax dollars and mine--toward lobbying the public and Congress for more money.  We in the military are just the best at it, and I, el Generalissimo, am the best at it.

Most of the money goes toward inventing words or phrases--euphemisms is the correct term--for the evil things we do.  Often these euphemisms are absurd or humorous, and sometimes they downright obscure the bad things we do, so my job is very, very important.

Consider the following recent neologisms I have come up with to describe what we used to call torture:
  • special methods of inquiry
  • illegal combatants
  • sleep management
  • stress position
  • special rendition
  • refined interrogation techniques (RITs)
  • enhanced interrogation techniques (EITs)
I mean, think about what would happen if we asked the average American to give us more money using common, accurate words to describe what we do?  We Americans, we're OK with performing special rendition of illegal combants and putting them through EITs and putting them in a stress position with sleep management.  But only the more sadistic of us want their tax dollars used for kidnapping, beating, torturing, and denying legal rights to people.

As I watch Lance Armstrong and the UCI bungle this current situation, I must suggest that they find themselves in a tight spot, not because they did anything wrong, but because they failed to devote sufficient resources to propaganda. Consider this--the US military, which kills and tortures folks all the time, is the most revered institution in America!

If the US military propaganda machine can come out of Abu Ghraib completely unscathed and more highly revered than ever, due to my creative comms campaign, imagine what I could do for Lance and the UCI, who, after all, only popped a few pills and made a few bucks?

How is this possible, you ask?  Well, my friend, through propaganda.

The first big problem is that the list of terms now in use to describe the UCI and Lance are frighteningly accurate.  These are actual words and phrases that could lead to actual understanding and loss of funding, enthusiasm, and public support.  Why did Lance and the UCI allow this?

What's needed, even though it is a bit late, is a military-style introduction of euphemisms.  Therefore, at this point in time, and in the interest of preventing future harmful deterrent non-fatal public misdirections of this nature, I suggest the UCI and Lance employ a new, less completely forthright lexicon.


  • Platelette restoration therapy (PlaRT):  the practice of returning blood haematocrit to their optimal, normal and healthy level.  Notably Dr. Eufemiano Fuentes has testified under oath that EPO and blood transfusions were "designed to look after his clients' health rather than allow them to cheat and boost their performance."
  • Generative masculine replacement rebalancing: steroid and testosterone use, particularly appropriate for a man with one gonad. 
  • Post-cancer rehabilitation:  Lance's rehab just continued for several decades after the disease attacked   him.  
  • Goal oriented:  sociopathic
  • Doctor prescribed subcutaneous medicinal pathway:  syringe
  • A leader:  "kind of a douche"--Charlie Sheen

With my strategic communications campaign, I promise there will be no scandals.  Only unfortunate incidents that set back the cause of fighting cancer X amount of time.  

Further elements:
Current complaints about a Truth and Reconciliation Committee should heretofore be referenced as attempts to dwell on the past, not talk about cycling today!

New pronouncements of riders failing tests should be explained as evidence that drug testing is working (not that riders are still doping).

Viva Lance!  Viva la UCI!

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