Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Christ Discovered to Employ Divinity Doping

New evidence from the inner circle of the Lord Jesus Christ provides damning evidence of previously unsubstantiated accusations that he and his followers engaged in and distributed, through a nefarious network of suppliers, performance enhancing transubstantiations.  These transsubstances allowed the Lord and his followers to achieve a string of extraordinary successes over the three years of his Tour de Israel, and in the subsequent Tours of Italy, Greece, and Turkey undertaken by his transubstantially doped followers.

Although neither the Lord nor any of his followers ever tested positive for substance abuse, eyewitness testimony now gathered from over a dozen of his followers is providing ever more evidence for investigators into how the Nazarene achieved such extraordinary acts such as healing the sick, bringing sight to the blind, cursing a fig tree so that it withered, walking on water, and resurrecting others and himself.

"It should have been obvious to us," said investigator Travigus Trygarticus, "that this guy was using performance enhancing transubtantiations when he was raising people from the dead and calming storms.  I mean, this isn't the norm.  I don't understand," Trygarticus added, "why he keeps saying that performance is all about "belief," when it's really just the divine hand.  “He [Christ] knows all the evidence as well and he knows the truth, and so the smarter move on his part is to attempt to hide behind baseless accusations of process.”

There have long been skeptics of Our Lord and Savior's performances, which have been described as otherworldly.  "Watching the guy in action and his team, it was clear something was going on," said Shlomo Bar-Judah, who describes himself as a longtime fan whose cousin was healed of his leprosy by the Galilean.  "I mean, my cousin was missing his fingers and this dude just walks up to him, says "Be healed," and my cousin's fingers grow back?  Awesome to watch, you know, especially since the guy had been on death's door himself--inspiring story, coming back from the dead and all.  Still, not normal and highly irregular.  This is a guy on more than pan y agua, if you catch my drift."

Eyewitnesses describe the team of clandestine fixers behind the Christ who enabled the team to load up on what insiders call "the Holy Ghost" in back rooms and wildernesses.  Says disciple Judas, "We'd be in room with Mary and all of us would just sit there and soak it in, and the Lord would be there right through the door.  Yeah, I could see him.  I could see the stuff just going right into him.  He was totally juiced!"

As to what the substance was, some claimed it resembled wine and bread.  Since the Lord's first miracle was turning water into wine, investigators are examining the possibility of a kind of spiritually imbued bread and wine combination, a transubstantiation, as they call it.

As of this writing, authorities have stripped the record books of Jesus' name:  for now, there is an empty spot in the record books for the 100 meter surface tension dash, the flight up Mount of Olives, and the one-day Palm Sunday Donkey classic.

1 comment:

CGM said...

And there I was thinking that Christ was a vampire with all that "drink my blood and eat my flesh" and resurrection stuff...