Monday, May 14, 2012

Why You Lose: The Experts Weigh In on You

A panel of experts recently concluded a study on you to determine why you keep losing races.  Tackling the problem of why you suck at bike racing was a diverse team of experts in related fields:  physiologists, chefs, exercise scientists, Tim Rugg, Tony Robbins, Jesus, and your mom.  Unfortunately, there was little consensus among the panel.

Your mom, without really bothering to ask you about your races or knowing anything at all about bike racing, concludes that your failure to win is the result of bad luck, people on other teams being mean to you, the failure of your teammates to adequately support you, and a distinct shortage of warm milk being prepared for you before bed.  You are, by virtue of being her child, perfect; ergo, she concludes, any failure to perform must have been an unfortunate result of this fallen and cruel world not granting you your due.  Nonetheless, she urges you to keep your chin up, and to remember that you can, by virtue of drawing breathe and not being "a waterhead" or one of those "nasty Kailing boys," DO ANYTHING YOU PUT YOUR MIND TO!!

Tony Robbins also asks you to ignore reality.  That he says, as he looks you in the eyes and places one massive hand on your shoulder, is the secret of success--to follow your dreams without regard for reality.  Says Robbins, "Dream it.  See it.  Be it."  Also, "Name it.  Tame it.  Frame it.  Claim it.  Endgame it."   In addition to the ignoring reality bit, Robbins' message is to find a bunch of words that rhyme, and then to do them, in some kind of sequence.  That will bring you not only a win on your bike, but also money, a positive attitude about life, a perfect body, the ability to impose your will on weaker minds (including your own), and an improved ability to rhyme.  You want to get laid?  GO GET LAID!!  You want to swim in a river of cash?  BETTER LEARN HOW TO DO THE BUTTERFLY [AFTER ALL, ONLY PEOPLE RESTRAINED BY REALITY WOULD CHOSE TO MERELY FREESTYLE] IN PAPER!!!!

Tim Rugg also looks you in the eye, then he lets fly with a baseball bat into your knee.  "Yeah, you lost bike races.  You won't anymore.," Rugg smiles, climbs onto his bike, and starts to ride off...that is, until a team car comes out of nowhere and throws him clear off his bike.  A bear, which has clearly been waiting for a moment of weakness from Rugg, leaps from the woods and Rugg pauses.  "You again?" He asks.  They make passionate love.

But you are sick of Rugg and his antics, and you turn away.  Thankfully, the exercise scientists are waiting.  What you need, they say, is more volume.  The single greatest correlation between fitness and training is time on the bike.  You know that family you love?  That job you endure?  The model ships you keep stuffing into bottles in your basement?  That's all got to go.  The winners--that's what distinguishes them.  Single minded focus on winning bike races to the detriment of all else.

Then Jesus appears.  "Go, give away everything you have.  And bike race.  Or follow me."








2 comments:

CGM said...

Kevin, you missed the most important one: What does Richard Simmons say?

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