(EXCERPT FROM SPEECH BY UCI BIGDOG, PHAT MCGWAYD)
The scourge of illicit performance enhancing drugs is plagueing not only cycling, but many other American athletic competitions for middle agers. This scourge blights our well-off men, who suffer from a lifetime of privilege, pussy attitudes and a bit of spare cash. From southern Florida to northern Florida, and in a couple other areas in the country, this terrible blight is afflicting these unfortunate, morally bankrupt, perfectly able-bodied and societally advantaged men.
Something must be done.
Something must change.
The old pattern of fighting this blight with poutyness and bitching is not working.
MABRA and USAC need a new strategy. The time for change, for a new paradigm, is at hand.
That's why this year, the UCI has partnered with USAC to announce a new category of races that will finally give wealthy, narcisistic, self-loathing middle aged white men a chance to compete with each other on a level, albeit incredibly expensive and self-destructive playing field. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Master-D Series, powered by the Chinese Human Recycling Program and by Big Hank's (TM)Horse Tranquilizer-in-a-Jug, with no injections and guaranteed no serious brain damage, probably.
The race series begins in Minnesota in February, with the winning riders surely pushing the boundaries of cold-blunting drugs such as brandy, crack, and hallucinagenics. Through the mountains of Colorado, down to Mexico where the supply and cheapness of product encourages cocktails that will surely push the boundaries of drug use in a manner not seen since Marion Barry's Mayorship.
Medical personal will not be present; instead, veterinarians will stand by to "put down" any athlete with a life-threatening trip or with signs of drug-induced heart failure, seizures, Hunter S. Thompson imitation-syndrome, male lactation, or otherwise unseemly event.
The races promise to be exciting, and the races will be televised. Nothing props ratings like multiple heart attacks, old white dudes on amphetimines and disco bisquits and lots of drug ODs.
Concurrently, USAC has inked a deal with MTV to produce a reality TV show about the series. Called "Racing the Wind (With a Belly Fully of JarJar Binks)," the show will follow the fortunes of a loveable crew of saggy, unattractive middle aged men who you simply want to punch in the face for being assholes. This is a continuation of MTV's exploration of American assholes oevre.