Thursday, September 15, 2011

Larkin and Guthrie Point the Way

There's a lot of buzz around strength training, and whether it has any effect on your cycling ability. There are questions about how many reps, how many sets, and what kinds of exercises to do. Whether you should work your upper body at all.

I'm here to settle the matter once and for all--not with any science-y studies or such, but with photographic evidence of greatness. St. Thomas asked our resurrected Lord Jesus to touch the wounds in his side, saying, "I'm not gonna believe unless I can touch the wounds." So Jesus said, "go ahead." Basically--and this is not at all theologically sophisticated--St. Thomas, alone among humanity, was given the opportunity to confirm his faith with his fingertips.

And that's the degree of confirmation about the power of lifting weights I'm going to give to you with this video.

In it, you'll see two guys named Larkin and Guthrie tandem deadlift over 1,000 pounds. It's clear from how the crowd reacts that this is real. No need for faith here. When Larkin pumps his little arm in triumph, you know it's real. And when Guthrie sets himself a-quiver in excitement, requiring handlers to strap on his weight belt, you know you're seeing something transcendent.

Does tandem squatting make you a better cyclist?

Tandem squatting clearly makes you a better person. Ergo, since being a better person includes being a better cyclist, clearly tandem squatting of the Larkin and Guthrie variety is a must for those seeking to be better.

-Have others cinche on your weight belt before lifts. You are too "in the zone" to do so yourself
-Prepare for lifts by setting yourself a-tremble
-Celebrate achieving a lift by attempting to high five your partner
-Perform your feats of strength in a neighbor's basement. Receive your award shirtless.
-Reward yourself with a homemade trophy of some kind
-Have an MC on hand with a microphone, even if you are in a small space.
-Videotape it for posterity.

Follow in the quivering synchronous footsteps of Larkin and Guthrie, and you'll find yourself swamped in homemade trophies, cheered by people in basements everywhere, living a life as glorious as a masters racer on masteron.

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