Friday, June 17, 2011

UCI Statement: Tour of Washington County a Dangerous Race: Stay Home, Safe From Germans

This weekend Washington County looms in front of us, intimidating and full of Joe Jeffersonisms. How should you prepare?

Loom--that's my halfling teamate's word, by the way. By halfling, I don't mean he's short, half-witted, or that he has hair on the top of his feet and hails from the Shire. I mean he's half my age. Despite being a mere youth, the Halfling has already fit more suffering in his 18 years than can be imagined; more suffering, indeed, than the nationwide outpouring of grief following the release of Rebecca Black's "Friday" dirge.

Most of the Halfling's suffering happened in a single weekend as a result of competing in a criterium whose streets, I'm guessing, had been lined with including, but not limited to the following:
-Sharpened punji stakes, as faced by the U.S. Army's "tunnel rats" in 'nam,
-Singaporean officials with bamboo canes used for thrashing those who spray graffiti
-A cheese grater delivery truck spill; and
-Crazy bitches--baby mamas willing to pay no heed to they new manicure who turn they rings around, because Maury just told them they man who has not paid child support (although he denies fathering the child, with some validity) be passing by in a bike race

So, when the Halfling, after all he's been through, says something "looms," you better pay attention. And he's saying this about the Tour of Washington County.

This is especially true for talented, fast riders like the Halfling.

That's why I'm urging you to stay home, Nate Wilson. Stay home, TT monsters Josh Frick, Russ Langley, Pete Warner, and you countless other fast bastards. Stay home, rouleurs like Chuck and Ryan McKinney. Stay home, sprinters like Brown and DJ.

I'm concerned about your safety.

If you must race, follow these safety tips:
Race slowly and with extreme caution.
Ride at a safe distance behind the peleton.
Be courteous and let others, especially me, move forward at will.
Wear protective pads, like these:

Use a faring that blocks projectiles, and, attach a basket where you can keep a first aid kit or possibly a weapon, if you happen to be (or if a forceful woman is accusing you of being) a deadbeat dad:

And need I say anything about the dangerous folks in the greater Hagerstown area, a folk known as Hags, Haggers, Haggites, Hagglers?? The UCI has issued a statement today calling on all fans to show "the utmost sense of responsibility." Ostensibly, the statement was directed toward their treatment of Contador, but it could well have been the intention of the UCI to encourage the folks of the greater Hag-town region, long known for the cycling-mad legions, to not throw beer on or offer pre-race ice cream cones, or to let horses run onto the course accidentally.

Need I remind you that the Boonsboro Time Trial runs along Antietam National Battlefield? There may well be a Civil War reenactment group about! Have you seen those guys? Many are Germans who fly to this country for the purpose of being Confederate soldiers? Germans! Confederates!

Imagine going up against a few thousand Der Panzerwagons (i.e., Tony Martins).

Stay home, fast men. Stay home and safe.


Anonymous said...

u pimpin the tour de Ef as your backdrop, eh?

chris said...

The race had some snags ...but the intention was honorable...the officials often take the advantage to be lame..the overbearing women at the prologue simply went beyond the call of duty...I had a frustrating weekend too but I am not holding it against the organizers ...