Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Fresh Breath for the Afterlife

Suffer from a desire to appear as if on a bike but would rather avoid pedalling? There's an app for that.

Want to feel alive and revved up in a way that even the most glorious dinner, ride, conversation, bit of music doesn't seem to produce in your soul? There's a hellava app for that.

Long for a beautiful woman to be at your side, sweet and obedient, silent, always cleaning, always listening? There's an app for that, and yes it does come from Japan. You can break wind without fear these days, thanks to such applications.

Eat lots of kimchi--so much so that no one wants to kiss you, but you do want to give up kissing nonetheless? There's an app for that. (No, I mean, literally, there's an apple for that. Literally, Korean kiss-promoting botanists are trying to design a pocket-sized apple that enables kimchi- and lip-craving Korean folks to sanitize their mouths before locking lips.)

No clue about the shape of the Earth, your city, your block, or whatever it is that is beyond eyeshot? There's almighty Google Earth saying, "Capital Bikeshare Station this way" in a voice that never grows impatient with your spatial disability.

Can't add? Do any kind of math in your head? Remember any kind of date whatsoever? Remember the names and faces of college friends, old colleagues, the guy at the gym you one time spotted on the weight bench? There are lots of apps for that kind of stuff.

Do you ever need to remember what ingedients go in any food item ever again? Chocolate milk: (1) pour milk in glass; (2) add chocolate milk powder; (3) stir. OR, just buy chocolate milk.

How should we sort the names of those who died on 9/11 in order to place them on the memorial in a fitting way? No worries, there's an algorithm for that.

Girlfriend leave you? Teammate die instantly in tragic accident? Universe suddenly seem a clockwork of meaninglessness, paying no attention to what matters? Cancer devouring flesh?

Not to say these things can't be addressed or understood or even defeated, but there's no app for them. To those who suffer, we wish safe travel on whatever spaceships traverse these black holes.

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