Monday, April 11, 2011

Go Green with Pete Cannell!

As we all now know, Pete Cannell tested positive for steroid use, and has admitted to using PEDs for several years now. He's the latest of quite a few cheating masters racers recently caught and sanctioned by USAC.

Cannell's coaching site is now down, as is his twitter account, but the folks at Greens +are using the ol' "stay calm and carry on" approach, and sticking with Pete as their spokesperson:

Just why is Greens+ sticking with "Master Cyclist" Cannell?

I can think of several reasons.

The folks at Greens+ may, as of yet, be unaware of the scandal. They may be a very small company, incapable of rapid website alteration and design (i.e., removing traces of Cannell from their pages).

Or, and this is my favorite possibility--they may have planned the whole thing!

And by this, I mean the ad wizards at Greens+ may be suggesting that the "+" in "Greens+" is indeed masteron, a derivitive of DHT, a drug that strips fat, hardens muscles, and apparently propels its users to national championships.

Note the quote from Cannell on the Greens+ website: "I coach a number of athletes that depend on having the best nutrition and recovery and Greens Plus products are the foundation for that recovery."

What exactly is the "...and recovery" thing Cannell's talking about?

I think it's pretty clear, now that the news has broken, what it is.

Masteron, baby!

And here I was just adding barley- and wheat-grass powder to my smoothies! I could have been drinking (or injecting?) them + masterol, a drug which would have made me fast (and, as a positive side effect, fought off any latent breast cancer I might be developing). And maybe the 15 hours a week I've devoted to this sport would actually mean something beyond the metaphysical explorations and self-discipline and all that feel-good mumbo jumbo Uncle Pappy's is always preaching, and I'd win some shit! Hell yeah! I'd make old dudes hurt!

I can just imagine it--three or four people would recognize my name as "the middle aged white guy that one time who won the Masters race at Dawg Days with a pretty cool solo effort."

Oh, 'twere true, I could die a happy (and breast cancer-free man)!

Maybe with aid of Greens+ (and going heavy on the +) my brother and I could have hung with Cannell back in 2009 when we he rode us all off his wheel at Clarendon Cup.

Maybe we wouldn't have wasted our time reading Cannell's training advice on 1 x 60 intervals. What a shame, to have wasted all that time not injecting ourselves full of Greens+! I mean, if it worked for Pete, it works for the Guinness World Record holding "Longest Living Quadriplegic " Lani Deauville, it would probably work for a couple of nondescript middle-aged genetically bland cyclists like my brother and I.

Go green! Go increased muscle hardness and national championships! Go Masters Racers who cheat and ruin the sport! Support the fight against breast cancer by giving breast cancer drugs a whirl!

Go middle age 'roid rage! Yaaaaaaa


Mr. Evans said...

I'm really enjoying your perspective on...all kinds of stuff!

Anonymous said...

self inflicted road rash..a fitting punishment for those who are caught dabbling in the green+

GamJams said...

Google has parsed out the content of your post and served up an ad at the bottom for "Human Growth Hormone - doctor prescribed" with a 1-800 #. Or rather, some "doctor" has realized that he gets customers whenever the people read web pages with the words "cycling", "PEDs" and "doping" and has told Google to seek those pages out.

Calvini said...

Thanks @ Mr. Evans. Glad you enjoy.

@anon: I like it (the idea, not the sick, twisted video).

@GamJams: that is messed up. Also messed up--I sold my soul to Google, "monetized" and have made about $.56 over three years on those Google ads. Now a bunch of juniors are getting bitch tits because of me, AND it hasn't made me any money. What a travesty.

qualia said...

That Clarendon Race was my first thought. I was outclassed by a number of clean riders there; not even Greens++ would have done the trick for me:

You, on the hand... you were close.

T 'n' A said...

I'm just sore about Pete being the best man at my shotgun Massachusetts wedding to Chip Hoover.

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