Friday, February 18, 2011

Sarah Palin: Press Conference on the Tour de France/Liberals/Godless

Well, hey there. Can you give me a second [BLAM! BLAM! Shoots moose from bike-mounted turret]?

Aside: Todd, honey, could you and Track and Bristol gut the thing for me while I do this? Yes, honey, moose testicles are absolutely the size of your head. Hands rifle to assistant and gets off bike.

Now, let's get down to business America. I suppose everyone has been wondering about me since the unfortunate Giffords incident. What it is that everyone is wondering is that, "Is she retiring from journalism?"

I say here to you now, my fellow Americans (excluding the liberals and the gays and the foreigners), of the greatest country in the history of the universe, all 6,000 years of the existence of this something, before which there was nothing, except God, specifically the Christian God of the Founding Fathers of the U.S. of A., who wants us to not fornicate and gave us the great bounty of wild animals to shoot (high five!) and draw from the depths of the ocean and whack with a bat, my fellow driving wanna-be outdoorsmen who aren't actually outdoorsmen, but instead fat paranoid boobs who pilot boat-like SUV in a manner that forces liberal bike riders off the taxpayers' roads.

When I say God, I definitely do not mean Allah, what I mean is God is that God of Jefferson and the great slave-owning white men who founded this great nation as the greatest earthly force for good the world has ever known. God and the U.S.A., like Batman and Robin, working to fight evil!

Even though I have a degree in communications, and the media in this country is biased, like, waaaayyyyy leftward, and also very likes to distort your words or images posted on your websites, and I dreamed of cleaning up media, I hereby resign my campaign to clean up media by going rogue, in a good way, against the liberal media.

With the support of my ever growing, non-birth control using family, I announce my pursuit of a new dream...

Are you ready for this, Trig?

Here it is: it's yellow jersey time.

That's right, I'm going to win the Tour de France.

For too long has America not won this most prestigious of races in the country in the very eye of the hurricane of global liberalism: Europe.

I'm tired of fighting skirmishes in the battle against liberal bias on the outskirts. I want to strike a blow against the heart of communism and death panels, to put a target and say, "we will not retreat, we will reload!" Pew pew! [Makes firing pistols motion with index fingers and thumb).

To the French, there in your villas, drinking your wine and living on government handouts of the non-oil kind like such as we have in Alaska, and seeing England from your house, with your art and your French salute [holds up arms in air as if to surrender] and your refusal to allow entrance to the National Football League and instead retaining your stupid form of football, which is called soccer, but which should be called liberal sin sport--

I say to you, France and liberals, Sarah Palin is going rogue on the Tour de France.


Marten said...

"Reality has a well known liberal bias." (S.C.)

Pete said...

She might be capable of the Lantern Rouge/Rougue.

Anonymous said...

I'm not a Palin fan, but you can do better. This was a written version of every bad Palin impression I've ever heard.

Lance Armstrong's Molester Mustache said...

Let's face it, liberal women are just not hot. Ugly truths.

Calvini said...

@anon--yeah, you caught me. This is a blatant rip-off of all those other Sarah-Palin-to-Ride-the-Tour parodies.

I'd like to say no disrespect intended, but I don't respect Palin like I respect Huckabee, Scott Brown or Ron Paul. Her mind is willing, and so's her perky demeanor, but her brain just ain't up to the task.