Tuesday, February 8, 2011

A Cobra's Tale


Riccardo Ricco during last year's Tour of Austria




















After serving his 20-month suspension, last summer Riccardo Riccò returned to professional cycling, still brash, unrepentant and, to borrow Chuck's phrase, still fueled by "retard power" and, it's now revealed, dope. Ricco thumbed his nose at everyone, a disgusting act which left a huge black piece of detritus on his upper lip (see Circle of Shame, above).



Riccardo Ricco's story by now is all-too familiar.

Boy gets bike.

Boy rides bike.

Boy paints cobra on bike.

Boy shares CERA with Gollum (shown on left).

Boy wins mountain stages as easily as taking out trash.

Boy busted for CERA and given 20-month ban.

Boy's girlfiend, Vania Rossi, also busted for CERA after second-place finish at Italian cross-country championships. Boy's girlfriend was breastfeeding child at time, prompting doctor to say she is "crazy," and prompting child to bust through bars in crib, perform one-armed pushups, and speak German.

Boy shrugs and denies giving Rossi CERA.

Boy returns to cycling and wins Tour of Austria.

Boy moves to big-time team.

Boy removes blood from body and keeps in fridge for 25 days in manner prescribed in the Floyd Landis Concise Guide to Home Doping. Before first major race of season, boy dumps blood back into his body in the presence of his girlfriend. Boy grows ill, and worries about "the poor conservation of the blood". Goes to hospital on verge of kidney failure.

Boy busted again.

Boy banned five years.

Boy wishes he'd joined Radio Shack.

2 comments:

michael stearns said...

heh. last sentence was gold.

any time someone claims marco pantani as their hero, it's safe to assume it ain't just wheaties getting them up the hill.

qualia said...

Klimmage: What about the logistics of storing the blood and transporting it?

Landis: It’s not that hard. It has to be kept just above freezing and the easiest way to do it if you don’t have a specific medical refrigerator, which I didn’t, was to put a big bowl of ice water in the refrigerator, because as long as there is ice in water, its always going to be just above freezing, so you just leave it in there. You really don’t need any medical equipment at all, the only thing that’s hard to get is the blood bags and I could get those from the Spanish guys (team-mates) or Del Moral or whoever. And once you have that all you need is ice water.