Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Great uncle Pappy's Expert Advice on Cycling

How to drop your opponents on a climb
The best way to drop your opponents on a climb--aside from out of a helicopter, of course--is to bend your knees, reach around them, clasp your fingers together, and then--this is important--lift with your legs, not your back.

If they're too heavy, it's easier to pick up only one opponent at a time--and much easier with the aid of a simple machine, such as a lever--you know, like a jimmy bar or something--or inclined plane--that'd work, too.

Once up in the air--pay attention, now--you will have to really toss them to make sure they are properly dropped. Let them go easy, and you're easing them down--not dropping at all. Let them go hard, and you're really throwing them down, not dropping. Somewhere in between the two is what you're shooting for.

How to put the hammer down
Well, you have to acquire a hammer. How you do this is your business. Anyhow, the trick to putting a hammer down is to make sure you don't dent the furniture or knock any of your ladyfriend's Precious Moments figurines off her collectibles shelf when you put it down. Just put it down where it belongs--real easy like, in the tool box with your other greasy jobbies.

How to execute a bike throw correctly
This is really the difference between winning and losing in life--tossing a bike, especially an old one you don't care about. You toss an old jalopy off a cliff or on a junk heap with a good ol' heave--you've had yourself a good day and can go to the whorehouse with a good feelin,' knowing you throw'd that thing good 'n hard, like a man should.

How to get into your opponents' heads
If there's one thing you should know about cyclists, it's that the way into their head--are you listening?--is right through the side of a skull.

Once you're there, you're good, but, for Christ's sake--and for your sake, too--making the first incision--that's the fancy French word for 'cut'--without seeming--or maybe it's Spanish--without seeming too desperate--alright.

If you're too eager to cut--bring me my almanac, I want to look this up. Yep, an incision anterior to the medial cranial orbitus. Listen, you may want to take this gently since--you may come off as a nutjob getting inside your opponents' heads. You'll probably get tried for assault, but that will only get their attention. And, with your enemies, all attention is good attention. Except for bad attention. you don't want that kind of attention.

How to explode the pack
This is frowned upon in this day of terrorism, so I would avoid it if I were you, but if you're hell-bent on exploding the pack, I'd use some kind of non-lethal explosive such as vinegar-baking soda or a soda pop bottle full of dry ice. Hell, maybe you'd better just sit in.

Stolen from McSweeney's.

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