Thursday, January 20, 2011
Breaking News: All MABRA Teams Merge into OMNITEAM
In a startling turn of events, team officials announced today that all MABRA teams have joined forces into one massive team. George Steinbrenner, previously thought to be deceased, was sufficiently excited by the idea of an all-MABRA squad that he rose from the dead to bring the squads together. Said Steinbrenner, "Our squad, composed of 834 riders of all five categories, will compete at the local level with itself and the occasional Pennsylvania rider. I like our chances. I like them so much that I was willing to interrupt my peaceful slumber to come back and put the squad together, all 834 riders."
Goals for the squad include sweeping the BAR in all categories, sweeping podiums in all MABRA races, fielding the entire field for as many as 10 ten races, representing the forty seven sponsors, and riding together as a team.
First up as a challenge will be finding space on the jerseys for the 47 sponsors. Says sponsorship manager, Donald Trump, "We thought about adding capes to the jerseys for more ad space, but in the end we created an abbreviated jersey for the typical, svelte rider, which points to a website which lists all sponsors, and a full jersey for the clydesdales, which lists all sponsors in 8 point Ariel Narrow font. For this reason, we're actively recruiting clydesdales."
Omniteam will have its first team meeting in February at RFK Stadium. Wives and significant others are encouraged to attend.
Team manager, Joe Parkin, admitted that he's somewhat unsure how team strategy will unfold, particularly in races where the field is entirely OMNITEAM riders: "I like the idea of forming a leadout train from the start, lining up riders from weakest to strongest, and just drilling it from start to finish, each rider peeling off as soon as he dips below 30 mph." Strategy in races where non-OMNITEAM riders is present, said Parkin, will involve forming massive clots of riders encircling alien riders, and then sending other clots of riders off the front, ensuring a full sweep of podium spots.
"I'd like to thank our sponsors by name for putting this together," said Steinbrenner in closing the press conference, "but we just don't have that kind of time to waste. We have to plan our training camp, which will essentially involve shutting down the Blue Ridge Parkway and bringing in the folks who erected temporary housing for Katina victims to provide us with places to stay."