Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Potomac CX-crement 2010
To honor the filthy heart of cyclocross, several local promotors recently announced an exciting new event, Potomac X-crement. From the people who brought you 2009's Tree-X, in which competitors were forced to climb over several trees, X-crement will feature a ride/swim through a river which has been estimated to be 1/100th fecal material.
Says promoter Matthew "OK" Cupid, "Like NASA, 'cross racing is all about pushing boundaries. NASA went to the moon; we're taking 'cross racers through a river of human waste."
Promoters are working with city officials to time the race so that it falls on a period of heightened excrement dumping. "There are days when there's very little evidence of human waste in the river, "says Cupid, "when it's nearly safe. We're concerned about this, but we think the city has shown itself to be responsive in the past to requests from race organizers. Fenty had the pipes shut off, for example, for the Nation's Triathlon. We think going the opposite way [opening the sewage pipes] is a much more amenable request. We're hoping that [Mayor-elect] Grey will agree to opening the pipes and flooding us with an unprecedented amount of waste, all in good fun, of course."
Prelimary design has the start and finish of the race on Roosevelt Island. From the majestic plaza around Theodore Roosevelt, racers will head through the woods toward the river. From there, riders will make their way through the toxic river toward the landing in Georgetown, and immediately be faced with the steep climb of Wisconsin Avenue. "The smell of racers emerging from the river should give Georgetown's finest a big laugh, and possibly cholera" jokes Cupid.
From there, the race will head back down toward Key Bridge, where racers will have the option of hitting a ramp that, if hit with enough speed, will allow them to fly to Roosevelt Island, bypassing a second fording of the hellishly diseased Potomac. On the other hand, if they fail to build up enough speed, the ramp will send them forcefully into the most vile flowing vein of maggoty filth imaginable.
Despite its apparent difficulty and the unprecedented danger of catching a godawful amount of diseases, Sven Nys, upon examining the course, proclaimed the course, "for antiseptic pussies."
Financial backers of the event, thus far, include Purell, Old Spice, Charmin, and antibiotic makers Amoxil, Augmentin, Avelox, Bactrim, Biaxin, Ceclor and Ceclor Cd, Ceftin, Chloromycetin, Ciloxan, Cipro, Cleocin, Declomycin, Dexone, Duricef, and 38 others.