Friday, October 22, 2010

After You Win the Race: A Guide for MABRA Cat 5s

1. Point to God. Do it with one hand, then two, then in an annoying, babycakes kind of way.

2. Kiss necklace with statuette of God on it.

3. Kiss your hands, invisible ring, and shoulders. Kiss each finger, individually.

4. Don't pedal another stroke. Be grabbed and carried/rolled by teams of fat men, jogging.

5. Weep violently surrounded by your teammates, who are consoling you by giving you strong squeezes on your shoulders.

6. You respond by looking up, mid-weep, and hugging them while struggling to take off your helmet. You fail, and one of your fat male bike valets assists you, gently removing the helmet from your god-like head.

7. Be near finishing with the weep when your director spotiff arrives, and you grasp each other and mutually weep.

8. Your wife and child appear and stand nearby looking bored. You eventually pat your child on the shoulder and give your wife an obligitory kiss on the cheek as she looks away.

9. You are interviewed by a blogger, and you insist on responding to his questions in Flemish, or what you think might well be Flemish. Flemish sounding syllables flow from your mouth.

10. You demand photographs and videos of your finishing pose. You post these on every social networking site known to man. You set up profiles on social network sites for the purpose of posting your victory photos.

11. You pay a Chinese programmer to create a character in your winning pose just to wander around virtual worlds as "yourself in victory."

Adopted from "After You Hit a Home Run: A Guide for Major League Baseball Players. BY Kate Hahn, on McSweeney's.

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