Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Timothy Rugg: enigma, lover, warrior, shapeshifter

Over the past few months our team has lost some of its best young talent, which sucks for us, but will hopefully be good for the departed. Tim Brown and Tim Rugg moved to Battley-Harley along with everyone else who's any good. Brown and Rugg deserve a chance to ride in some big races and with some experienced teammates--Harley provides that, and we're happy for them.

But we're concerned, in particular, about Rugg.

Rugg's offseason has been spoiled by mysterious physical transformation, the details of which are still unconfirmed. Rest assured, our reporters have been working intently to uncover the mystery of Rugg's mysterious changes.

At the date of December 15th or therabout, and around the vicinity of Montgomery COunty, the changes first became apparent. Citizens whose roads Rugg had terrorized at speeds of over 25 m.ph. and upwards of 25 hours a week through mid-December could no longer see his familiar gangly figure on his stealth black Scattante. He had disappeared, abandoned his adoring public.

Rumors swirled, the papparazi intensified their search. Sightings of Rugg popped up everywhere:

As he retraced the steps of Marco Polo's journey to China.
















Unverified twitpic of him, having gained some weight, in Kodiak hunting grizzlies:
























Blowing out his hammies in the Bronx:






















The work of our intrepid reports aside, Rugg's exact location during this period is uncertain. He claimed to be in Mexico, but other sources have him in the Dolomites receiving a blood transfusion from the corpses of Bartoli and Coppi.

We can't say for certain, at present, what happened. What we can say is that, when Rugg was again sighted on the road, he was a changed man. News was made several weeks back when Rugg fell off the back of the goon ride. It's news because, first of all, it's Winter and news is slow, and second, because it's Rugg, and the Rugg don't get dropped...he descends.

It's common knowledge that...

Tim Rugg can get health care passed, but he'd prefer to weed out the sick and weak.

Tim Rugg once chased, caught, and impregnated a horse, and without unclipping from his beloved Scattante.

Tim Rugg is now eight feet tall. No, really. Take a look for yourself:





















Rugg with Brown

Who is Tim Rugg? And what mysterious events transformed him into a giant and caused him to descend from the goon ride (we will refrain from suggesting that Rugg was, in fact, dropped until more serious evidence is provided)?

We may never know, just as we'll never know how...
...he can rip an online phonebook in half.

...he can jerk the head off a chicken at 100 yards.

...his ironic mustache has an FTP of 400 watts.

4 comments:

Drew Armstrong said...

He grows larger for flats, smaller for climbing.

Grayson said...

You forgot "Porn Star"...

http://lh6.ggpht.com/_LJZoQJmER4o/R42CSSBLIzI/AAAAAAAAABk/JZypPlCakyE/s640/john_holmes.jpg

tome said...

There's a lot of good man-love in this post. A whole lot.

Calvini said...

More on Rugg: http://www.hulu.com/watch/69478/saturday-night-live-bill-brasky-holiday-inn