Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Bike flasher terrorizes five, seduces one in northern virginia

If a woman you love rides a bike (a rarity of rarities) or you are yourself a woman who happens to read this blog (even greater rarity of rarities), be careful. A man armed with only a bicycle and loose fitting pants is terrorizing Arlington County with the sight of his raw, mid-January-cold-shriveled genitals. Detectives are actively tracking down this pedaling pervert touting what are, in his mind at least, inspirational chamois-fillers.

I applaud said flasher on his vehicular choice. If you're determined to flash, nothing beats a bicycle for ease of crotch unveilance and rapid getaway. Slow enough to show the junk, fast enough to evade the fuzz. Let it be agreed that said flasher is either a novice cyclist who wears easily dropped shorts or an advanced cyclist who takes great pride in flying by at thirty miles an hour, pedalling in a fury while in full micteration.

But back to flashing itself and the perp's motivation. I've always doubted the wisdom of flashing. Without doubt, flashing has the reputation of repelling more than attracting.

Yet, as as recent craigslist posting suggests, this is not always the case.

You flashed me at Panera - w4m Silver Spring

You flashed me at Panera on Friday morning while I was enjoying an egg souffle. It was too quick for me to get a good look, though. How about lunch?


I have a hard time picturing how this went down in the midst of Panera while craigslister enjoyed egg souffle. What unspoken signals must have passed between the two for flasher to determine that, yes, dropped trou would woo the souffle eater? Or maybe it was an accidental flash?, zip, and...[pause between spoonfulls of enjoyable souffle]...interesting...

Hard to say.

Flashing, in the end, is about mystery, I suppose. The split second shot of something absolutely repulsive that inspires revulsion and apparently curiosity, over souffle at Panera.


Yerin said...

I didn't realize I was a rarity of rarities. But thanks for the flasher warning; I'll make sure to bring a scimitar home for that occasional unwelcome January-penis I run into.

Calvini said...

Bikes, scimitars, and January penises--now there's a dangerous mix. Bismajami! Kharajt daar Islam! Slice!

In other news...looking forward to hearing about KSA.

GamJams said...

Micteration. Nicely done. I had to Google it. Only 151 results, and this very blog post is one of the top 10. By comparison, "defenestration" has 157,000 results, even though very few of us defenestrate several times daily.

Calvini said...

I only know "micterate" from The Big Lebowski.

Had to google defenestration. Now I'm just itching for a chance to use it...

Chuck Wagon said...

Defenestration was huge in central Europe during several eras. There are several places in Prague which commemorate the rite.

My favorite is immolation. Similar to defenestration in the improbably of getting a second chance to make a first impression.

tome said...

Yes, we Little Lebowski Achievers all know what it is to micterate on something... and we know that it cuts deep when you micturate on the Dude's rug.