Thursday, November 12, 2009

Meine FTP ist uber alle


Hallo, meine hubscher Deutschen volk--

Nothing gets me off in life more than taking an awesome factory tour accompanied by my entourage in black raincoats. And, of all the awesome factory tours I enjoy, bicycle factory tours are totally the best. Strolling through a bicycle factory, it is as if the edelweiss hast sprung in my heart, as if my crappy dentist has given me a good dose of ether. You get the picture. No need to ramble on.

For it is an undeniable fact of science: only the Aryans are capable of making bicycles! No Oriental! No American! No Italian! No one will ever make bicycles like Die Deutsche Volk!!!! Oh, sweet Deutschen steel! Where is my handkerchief? I do perspire so much when thinking of the unpolluted Deutschen steel between my legs.

OK, where was I? Goering, you fat swine, help me out, mann.

Oh, right. I wanted to show you this picture:

Do you see me standing here in my sweet halfstache? Do you see this look of enrapture on my face, like I'm about to eat a kick-ass apple fritter? That's because I'm checking out this sweet completely pure bike, of the purest, most tempered Deutschen steel, unpolluted by the alloy of any other metal. Oh sweet Deutschen steel, nothing shall ever surpass you in terms of torsion bearing strength. You make my soul flood with emotion and become erect. You are the future!

Oh my, this is a beautiful bicycle. Single-speed with what looks like a 42 x 14. 38-spoke wheels? Don't correct me, Himmler! Of course I knew it was 32 spoked, you fleshy-faced, inferior-race-chinned four-eyed fokker! I was just testing you, of course. Platform pedals--nothing's ever going to beat platform pedals. Lugged steel frame with fairly aggressive geometry. My, what a lovely rack. I love a good rack. Panniers are ever so handy.

The bottom bracket looks reinforced. You get a big guy like Goering on a bike putting out huge wattage, on your typically French or Italian frame you can lose 20-30 watts in frame flex.

Not on my Deutsche bikes. Nuh uh. Look at this beauty. Unterdamung. That's all I can say. We Deutschen volk build the shit out of bikes.

I haven't even talked about the electric assist motor I had Goebbels throw on this thing. That's right. Electric assist. This thing can hit 80 kph on das Autobahn, but I wouldn't recommend it on these standard 25mm tires. Oh ho ho!

My, I like how the electric assist looks! Like the blades on the chariots in Ben Hur. What's that you say, Himmler? Chuck Heston was playing a Judenvolk? Ach, du. That really tweaks my gourd. First Larry David's Jewish, then Chuck Heston? What am I supposed to do with myself aside from drool over bikes in these never-ending factory tours?

I tell you a little joke between the black-raincoated boys and me--I had them disable the electric assist on Goering's bike! Ha ha! That fat swine can stand to lose some of his eisbein. Maybe I'll even put him on a fixed gear.

Oh, my.

Where was I?

Oh, bicycles. Right. We have to go? Oh, right! Hesse had claimed his FTP was at 310w, which I thought was total bullsheissen (excuse my French), and pretty much everyone who wears a black raincoat agreed. So we're off to the lab at Kastle Ribbentrop to run him through the twenty-minute test.

Gotta run! Everyone in black raincoats...on your pure Deuschensteel bikes! Let's roll!

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