Wednesday, June 3, 2009

The Next Upgrade: A Seat for the Royal Taint

Girl, why you do me like that?
You take all my money
Can't even call a player back
--sadly, the Pussycat Dolls and Timbaland

So maybe you've got some money. God knows how you got it. Maybe you're starving your children, maybe you saw the housing bust coming and put all your money on Dennis Menchov winning the Giro. I don't care.

Point is, you're loaded, without a conscience, and your number one priority is blowing money on useless bike parts. Ask yourself: what kind of upgrader am I? Here are a few options:

Silver level self-centered materialistic pig purchase:

World's lightest water bottle cages
At 5g, including screws, Tune Skyline Water bottle cages will save you a pocketfull of change in weight, even if they cost upwards of $60 each. You can also use these as arm bracelets, like the ones Xena, Warrior Princess wears.

Gold-level self-centered materialistic pig purchase:

Several cranks and an extraordinary set of brakes will get you to the gold level. The Zipp costs more than the annual income of some African villages, making it a worthy object of consideration. But don't overlook the Clavicula crankset or Ciamillo's Gravitas brakeset, equally excessive and equally African village-impoverishing.

Zipp Vumaquad Crankset with ceramic bearings: $1,259.00

The THM Carbones Clavicula crank with carbon chainrings: approx. $1300
As the Poshbike website states, "The drive side (Right) of the crank incorporates, spider, arm, and carbon fibre axle!" Real spiders inside, helping you go faster. And, yes, those are carbon chainrings.

The Ciamillo Gravitas brake
Nothing says dignity and prestige and "please don't crack poopy jokes around me" like a pair of carbon brakes with skulls on them.

Platinum-level self-centered materialistic f-tard purchase:

Axel Shnura's Specialist parts carbon saddle and seatpost combination
Again from the Poshbikes website: "Please note: This is a very technical and time-consuming product to manufacture correctly. You will need to provide us with your existing AX saddle and current seatpost, in the position you need... A jig is then manufactured around this combination (And your items returned), allowing AX to produce a perfect, lightweight replacement."

I don't understand all this about jigs and AXs and so forth, but from what I understand, the manufacturers will be performing Irish dances at some point. Any saddle-seatpost combination that requires the performing of jigs must be amazing.

The choice is clear. You could do Oprah proud and open a school in an African village, or you could drop a grand or two on a jigged-over throne for your royal, platinum materialistic f-tard taint.

Me, I went with this.


qualia said...

how about this?

or this?

qualia said...

i have an idea. maybe i can build a $20k bike and use it to raise money for the africans on charity rides.

i'm a GENIUS!