Friday, June 5, 2009

Floyd Landis Bit the Head off a Bat

Dick Pound once said of Floyd Landis' elevated testosterone, "You'd think he'd be violating every virgin within 100 miles. How does he even get on his bicycle?"

Take a look at this man, sir. I take it you ask your question in earnest--did Floyd Landis violate every virgin in the French countryside, then cool his taint in a mountain stream, knocking back a cold one, not bothering to take off his shoes?

There are so many questions to ask in earnest concerning this man.

Did Floyd get drunk and slap a couple of T-patches on his crotch and pass out? Did he when he was a black-suited be-big hatted Mennonite teenager wreck the heathen be-spandexed in the very same Mt. Joys Turkey Hills Union Groves Tours of Ephratas we frequent?

Did he do a wheelie down the Champs-Élysées?

Did he construct a hyperbaric chamber out of a sewage pipe and some parts he bought at a hardware store and deprive his girlfriend of his nightly warmth in a sealed tube, Michael Jack-style? Does he, when he feelin' like a pimp, don the fur of a yak over his bike shorts?

Did he, during his two years' suspension, never once get on a bike, gain twenty pounds, and take up hunting wild boar with an atlatl. Did he channel the Dude?

Just stuff I've heard, pictures I've seen, rumors that pass.


Anonymous said...

Floyd sounds like a guy we all need to party with.

Anonymous said...

I believe he wears this:

Calvini said...

Heh heh. Wolf T--that's great. 2009 MABRA champ jersey?